Yesterday was no fun. I couldn't dig my way out of feeling super blue and bad for myself. Today I am no less tired, but towards the end of the day yesterday I managed to remember our nuclear family's two fundamental rules:
- Be in love.
- Have fun.
For instance, when I remembered to "be in love," I felt more tender and patient towards Stella, who was, I'm just saying..., not a perfect angel yesterday. I also decided to stop moaning and dreading Jeff's return to the hospital quite so much. I am still dreading it, don't get me wrong, but I am trying harder to enjoy the hours we have together now before he has to go back. And, sappily, I remembered that I'd like to enjoy several more decades of marriage with him, so I might as well restart loving our time together now.
"Being in love" of course dovetails with having fun too. Making the most of these days will obviously help me enjoy them more than if I am glumly fast-forwarding through the remaining hours to dwell on how much I hate semi-single-parenting and loathe having Jeff endure chemo at in the hospital (mostly) alone. I will probably have to recognize this "carpe diem/gratefulness concept" over again before each cycle, but there's really no point in feeling so resentful.
It's pointless because we can't change our situation. Chemo is happening, even though we don't like it. Or in the immortal words of William Steig and the devious fox and the amazing bone, "[we] didn't make the world."
So I'm off to a birthday party with the little ladiez while Jeff rests/works. His fingers are still numb, so send some vibes to restore them full sensation if you can. That particular side effect is distressing and, we hope, reversible or at least non-progressive.
Grinning and bearing it,
Katina
6 comments:
It was so nice to see all four of you this evening. I love your family rules and think we as a church should adopt them too :-)
I know this weekend has been difficult, and will probably get harder in the next few days as Jeff gets ready to go back in for treatment. He must go, the cancer must be killed, our prayers are with you that it may be killed quickly and thoroughly. And God, please give Jeff the feeling back in his fingers.
I wanted to share a passage I've been rereading a lot this week as I struggle to trust God. Perhaps it will speak to you too.
"Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine.
When you,re in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won;t be a dead end - because I am God, your personal God, the holy of Israel, your Savior. I paid a huge price for you, with rich Cush and Sheba thrown in! That's how much you mean to me! I'd sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you. So son't be afraid: I'm with you."
There is no talk of what good may come of this, no talk of how unfair and hard life can be, only promises of love so overwhelming, and of God's presence with you as you go through these incredibly difficult times. You will not go down.
Much love and prayers.
Christine
YES... Love that you have referenced what is possibly the creepiest children's classic of all time.
Love, love love - and many good vibes from the Fritzes (and Fritzlets) to you!!!
The sunlit pond glows blue and green,
With edges deep ultramarine,
Where reeds and lilies dot the shore
And rocks support the forest floor.
Birch, oak, and pine surround the scene,
A silent, dark protective screen
The calls of birds float through the trees,
And butterflies dance upon the breeze.
Seek that bright pond and rest awhile,
Conflicting thoughts to reconcile
The solitude along its shore
Will open inspiration’s door
And let God’s kingdom enter in,
Replacing strident work-place din
What ere your cares, they’ll fade away
In the bright beauty of the day
With contemplation and with prayer
Your heart will know the Lord is there.
In nature’s realm, your mind at rest,
It will come clear how much you’re blessed.
I am so enjoying your poems Grandpa Jud. Thank you, especially, for that one.
It is an ancient mariner
And he stoppeth one of three
O thou of hoary beard and beady eye Wherefore stoppeth thou me
If I could be out there with you
I'd be the ancient mariner too!
Rhymes we would have and much good cheer
And grandpa Jud would have a beer!
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