Hopelessness

This may seem like an odd topic for a post given the excellent news we got from Jeff's PET scan.  I am not feeling hopeless.  Don't call the crisis line on my behalf.  But I've been thinking about "hope" a lot, and have come to some new realizations.

While we were waiting for the PET results, and in fact throughout this entire and ongoing experience with lymphoma, I have been very uneasy about "having hope."  Most of the time it seems like when people talk about "hope," or encourage others to "have hope," they are hoping for a certain outcome:  a new/perfect job, a winning lottery ticket, that their kid will start sleeping through the night, surviving a cancer diagnosis...  Now that I have learned how little control we actually possess over our lives, hoping for such specific and extrinsic things strikes me as futile.  I'm not advocating for giving up, or not working towards a promotion, or for throwing caution to the wind and not doing what is within your control to be healthy.  Fundamentally though, I think you set yourself up for disappointment or anger if you hope for anything outside your control.

To that end, I am truly hoping only for a couple of things in life these days.  Obviously, I want our little family to lead a happy and long life all together.  I want that more than anything else.  I also wish and hope that Stella and Lydia will grow up to be strong, independent women (and, ideally, scholarly scientists).  I hope we find an awesome house in Kentucky next year and meet kindred spirits and new friends out there.  But none of these end results are within my control.  So, I will hope instead for courage to withstand whatever comes my way.  And I will aspire to cultivate a sense of humor and an attitude of love to get through it.  Depending on the circumstances, this will be easier on some days than others, but this is something internal, something I can work on.

 

This turned out to be a bit more serious than I had intended.  I can't come up with a witty ending, so I'll leave it here, and leave for the hospital.  Jeff's getting admitted for round five in 30 minutes.

 

Later team,

 

Katina