Yesterday was no fun. I couldn't dig my way out of feeling super blue and bad for myself. Today I am no less tired, but towards the end of the day yesterday I managed to remember our nuclear family's two fundamental rules:
- Be in love.
- Have fun.
For instance, when I remembered to "be in love," I felt more tender and patient towards Stella, who was, I'm just saying..., not a perfect angel yesterday. I also decided to stop moaning and dreading Jeff's return to the hospital quite so much. I am still dreading it, don't get me wrong, but I am trying harder to enjoy the hours we have together now before he has to go back. And, sappily, I remembered that I'd like to enjoy several more decades of marriage with him, so I might as well restart loving our time together now.
"Being in love" of course dovetails with having fun too. Making the most of these days will obviously help me enjoy them more than if I am glumly fast-forwarding through the remaining hours to dwell on how much I hate semi-single-parenting and loathe having Jeff endure chemo at in the hospital (mostly) alone. I will probably have to recognize this "carpe diem/gratefulness concept" over again before each cycle, but there's really no point in feeling so resentful.
It's pointless because we can't change our situation. Chemo is happening, even though we don't like it. Or in the immortal words of William Steig and the devious fox and the amazing bone, "[we] didn't make the world."
So I'm off to a birthday party with the little ladiez while Jeff rests/works. His fingers are still numb, so send some vibes to restore them full sensation if you can. That particular side effect is distressing and, we hope, reversible or at least non-progressive.
Grinning and bearing it,