I felt really down this morning. Part of it is that I'm sad my mom is leaving tomorrow. I also got all forlorn when I saw one kid arrive at Stella's dance class with her auntie - who lives very nearby. That made me miss my siblings and caused me to rue living so far away from family. Part of my down mood was also certainly the lingering effects of sleep deprivation. And another part of it was that I was slow to obtain caffeine today. (When I did get coffee at the ungodly late hour of about 9:15 AM, I got a vanilla latte - with house-made bougie vanilla extract - from Coffee Bar. I highly recommend.)
Ultimately, I rebounded with thanks to a nap and an attitude change, but I feel like griping for one more second about the root reason for my low mood earlier today. Bear with me. Here's the problem: Jeff is not even halfway done with chemo. This is really starting to feel like the marathon it is.
Now, on the bright side, Jeff is still doing pretty well. He has a rash (again), he is tired, he has neuropathy, but his immune system has not yet hit bottom on his chemo regimen, which means the doctors get to pump him full of yet more drugs next time he is admitted to the hospital. This is good. It means he gets more cancer killing drugs. It also means he is a very strong dude.
But, on the flip side, it means he may feel even worse during and after the remaining rounds of chemo. I hate seeing him feel sick. I just hate this. Selfishly, I am also kind of hitting my wall and I'm tired of this reality. As Mo Williams put it in the new "Goldilocks and the Three Dinosaurs" book we picked up at the library today - "If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave." I wish I could do that. Or just "choose a new [your own] adventure" and rewrite what's going on so that we were packing to move to Kentucky, as originally planned, instead of gearing up for yet another hospital admission and separation and hoping and praying for remission.
Anyway... as I stated, my mood did change, so I should stop dwelling on things I cannot alter. Post-nap, Manou and I took Stella and Lydia on a walk up the hill to the library. It was a perfectly clear and sunny, if windy, day. As Stella put it, "A perfect day for a popsicle." After checking out some books, we got gelato pops. They were delicious. Pistachio for me and Manou and rather bittersweet chocolate for Stella.
As we walked over and down the hill towards home, with sticky fingers and the smell of wild fennel in the air, we watched huge cargo ships float in the bay, and I felt fine in that moment. Just fine. Fine is enough, for now.