My mom miraculously got Stella to sleep in her bed all night last night. And she slept in until after 7 AM. Lydia also awoke very cheery, and spent a good ten minutes just smiling at me when I took her out of the co-sleeper.
Although the early morning was smooth, the drive to the hospital was awful. Lydia had been a bit too alert and was over tired and CRANKY. She screamed basically the entire way to UCSF. And that, coupled with a raging "need for caffeine" headache made me feel like the world was conspiring against me.
It wasn't just the baby wailing and the headache either. Many UCSF employees are about to strike tomorrow, and that is pushing the docs here to release Jeff sooner - possibly tomorrow. Obviously, I'm thrilled to have him home, but anxious about whether this earlier-than-expected discharge is completely medically advisable. I'm sure it is fine to let Jeff leave, but I still feel unsettled. And then there's the whole cancer thing. Fundamentally, this is just no fun. No fun at all. So, the point of this post is to (re)assure you all that it is not all fun and games here. My outlook is not always rosy or funny. I feel pretty craptastic some of the time.
But, we got to the hospital. Lydia crashed out in the Ergo (another product endorsement!). I was/am happy to see Jeff. My mom got me a latte, and I remembered that (at least) I am not the one having a spinal tap with a special bonus of chemo today. And then Jeff and I roamed the floors of his hospital wing and laughed a little.
First I mused about how life is unpredictable. I'm realizing that the only thing we can control is our reaction to whatever life throws our way. You seriously never know what might happen at any point and I am starting to feel that planning for anything is futile. This is a very strange feeling given my penchant for planning every little thing. So, I said, "For instance, you could get run over by MUNI anytime." Jeff chuckled, the joke of course being that the odds of that happening are probably not so improbable. (Photo courtesy of SFGate.)
Then I shared some key, hilarious tweets from the @WhiteFeminist Twitter account with Jeff - the best of which referenced Edward Said.
Um, doesn't this Saïd guy know that 'oriental' is considered an offensive and outdated term?!
#AsianCulture #FightOppression #Smh
And finally, I remembered to be glad that Jeff is almost done with Round One of chemo. That's a HUGE accomplishment and I'll try to focus on that - for the moment.
Love to everyone,