Saturday, May 18, 2013

Wherein I Admit I Listen to Embarrassing Music

Team Miner:  

First, an update on Jeff.  He and Stella are reunited and off to color in the solarium.  Both of them are really happy, which in turn is making me very happy.  

Jeff continues to feel "okay."  The position of his PICC line was irritating him yesterday, and caused his IV lines to keep beeping, but now he has an Ace bandage keeping it in place.  He described the Ace bandage as "his new best friend" a couple minutes ago, so that's a small victory.  And, the anti-nausea meds are working for the time being.  He is tired though:  Physically and of being in the hospital. Please keep praying that the chemo is working and pray for Jeff's spirits. Needless to say, It is no fun to be so cooped up in a hospital of all places.

Secondly, blergh. I put on a relatively brave face here, but I don't feel that way a lot of time. This forum is too public for me to be completely forthright, but here comes a little taste of something raw.

A few weeks ago, I remember that out of the blue one morning I had that old Paula Abdul song, "Promise of a New Day," stuck in my head as I walked home from dropping Stella off at school. (This is: (1) embarrassing, and (2) a telltale sign that I may have been listening to KOIT - the Bay Area's ridonk lite rock station - just a *touch* too much...).

Cheesy as the song is, I have always liked the concept. Today may suck major suckage, but tomorrow will come. "Morning has broken,"or will soon break, so to speak.

Well, it's been almost three weeks since our lives turned upside down. Although it is pointless and probably counterproductive, I find myself wishing this was all a dream.

And although I am truly hopeful, it feels trite a lot of the time to look forward to a new day. All I want is to go back to the old normal.  I am trying to cherish moments (oh jeez, now a not-so-veiled Madonna reference to date me again), and embrace uncertainty, but I just want to rewind and re-record our lives so we can skip over this nasty episode entirely.

But, I can't. 

Thus, to end on less of a downer, I will say again that I AM learning from this and I AM growing. And despite all the suckage, I am grateful for that.  I am also falling more in love with Jeff and with my family and friends every day.

Thank you all for your amazing support.  I can't possibly give shout outs to everyone who is helping us here, but I am deeply thankful.



Dawn Hyde said...

I love how you think in hymns/songs :) Your rawness is real and truthful and we're walking through it with you and your fam. Sending lots of love your way.

dirteens said...

Dawn, hilariously, I normally get the lyrics in songs totally wrong, so I'm surprised I think in this fashion. Love to you as well.

Michael Palmquist said...


You could be a "cultural music" commentator and critic if this "Law" thing doesn't work out.

Heather Cleary said...

I remember waking up in the morning post diagnosis and actually having to decide if I was just dreaming my cancer or if it was real. I longed to rewind time and go back to "normal".

You truly learn with time to live a "new normal" life. My kids were 7, 5 and 5 weeks when I started chemo. All I wanted was for them to have the boring, routine life that I grew up with as a kid.

Like you said, you can't press a rewind button. Forge on! You are amazingly strong. Time does help. You are in the thick of it right now.

Hang in there, Katina!

dirteens said...

Mike - I would have to defer to you for music that is actually worthy of cultural critique! But that does sound like a fun career.

Heather - it's helpful to hear that we will learn to cope with the "new normal." I guess we are just still pretty new to this and it will take time. You, too, are phenomenally strong and I really appreciate your words of wisdom!

helen seestadt said...

I love this post. I may have to make you an inspirational mix of songs from our teen years. It may make Mike and Deb Palmquist cringe and be thankful we are no longer teenagers lounging in their living room on hot summer days, bored to tears.
Only you and a handful of other select individuals could see true genius and inspiration in Paula's artistry.

dirteens said...

Helly - I always think of you whenever I hear Paula's artistic genius. Your comment made me remember our mix tapes from back in the day. It is probably good that we can spare Mike and Deb those memories. I will, however, be sure to listen to some more Paula, and Madonna, and maybe some Coolio to take a trip down our shared memory lane. Love you.

Debra Palmquist said...

I loved those Paula Abdul and Madonna days - would rewind and play them all over again.